A year late – but better late than never, so they say. Last year, I wrote this letter to Clara on her birthday and planned to create one of my fabulous slide shows for her…but it took me until a week after her second birthday to actually put the slide show together.

It’s cool because now there is just one more year of Clara to celebrate, no?

So, without further ado, that letter and that slide show await!

*****

My Green Eyed Girl,

Today you are one. You were born on your dad’s birthday but God sent you here with green eyes, like your mom’s.

You have given us a whole year of you. And you are wonderful (or should I say, “one-derful”? Hardy, har, har. It’s my blog so I can be as corny as I want).

After your beautiful older sister was born I faced one of the darkest times I have ever known. (May you and your sister never know such darkness.) Your sister was a delight, she was a ray of hope in my life that was all of a sudden, out of nowhere, shrouded in painful darkness.  Right now you don’t notice, but one day you’ll wonder why there is a bit of a gap between you and your sis. It took me time to muster up the courage to get you here. Your sister came at such a heavy price, I was scared – yup, your mom was really and truly scared- that the same price might have to be paid for you.

If I could have held your soft body next to mine, heard your voice and seen those green eyes I would have been braver sooner.

But there was only the vague promise of your sweetness and an 80 percent chance of having to face that awful, awful darkness again.

I took me some time but eventually I took the chance.

You would be worth whatever was asked.

I stepped off into the abyss…

And on the other side of all my apprehension,

was

Y O U.

Unimaginably sweet little you.

And you are a treasure to me. How I love you. Oh, how I love you!

Your name means light.

I did everything in my power to avoid that darkness – and after all I did to keep it at bay – it came.

But only for a brief moment (darkness, prepare to meet ZOLOFT, ha, HA!) I was ready for it this time and after all I did to fight it, God was merciful. I know he tempered things. And for his mercy I will forever be grateful.

Not darkness, but light.

A little bundle of clarity wrapped in a hospital issue blanket.

My Clara Jane.

My green-eyed girl.

I love you.

Happy Birthday.

Love,

Mom

are not just “please” and “thank you”.

Around our house I know magic is about to happen when Jan says,

“The light is really beautiful. I’m going to grab the camera.”

When the light was right last week he took these…

I know, I know – yet another collage!

I just discovered Picasa – I will tire of this soon, bear with me.

The other day Millie and Clara were hanging out in Clara’s room – taking books off the shelf and “reading”.

As I watched them potter about it struck me that this was one of those wonderful moments where they were happy, and enjoying this simple activity together and so I grabbed the camera and did my best to capture it.

(I realize this is a bit on the small side, but if you click on it you can see it bigger and get a better sense of it.)

I love you, little monkey!

Although you have recently left us – your influence is still very much felt.

I wanted to let you know of a few things we did, “in your honor”:

The night that you flew back to your home, nestled in the mountain side, we let the girls put on dress-ups and have a dance before going to bed.

Only you will get this joke, but Millie put these on her head and declared:

“MY PANTALONES!”

Oh, how we laughed!

The following day, again, in the “spirit of grandma” we had a birthday party for this guy,

Millie’s dog, Chase.

I think you would have approved!

Everyone got their own couture hat (including the stuffed dog)

There were candles

And cupcakes for all!

And in case you are wondering – those cupcakes were pretty yummy.

Thanks for inspiring us to have more fun around here.

We love you

and

still miss you…

So! When are you coming back?

Do you ever wonder what goes on while I am putting a post together?

Today, for your viewing pleasure, I shall DEMYSTIFY the experience and take you behind the scenes of yesterday’s delightful post.

As I snap pictures, whilst my baby sleeps, suddenly a sound is heard from above!

It is not a happy sound:

Taken out of the crib, the Maker of the noise is not satisfied to be merely near my presence,

Suddenly Millie shows up – with not ONE but THREE head bands on her head – including the head band that I have been trying to capture on film for my blog post.

Gorgeous!

For Clara things are looking up, but she is still suspicious of that silly camera

Back down stairs to finish off those pictures, now someone else takes a fancy to the head band!

Then she tries on the necklace – which she decides that she’s not very fond of so she throws it on the ground and then stamps upon it.

Lovely!

The only thing which appears to be in focus are her lips and they just look so kissable to me – despite the fact that she is putting on her “thug” face. And that, my friends is a mother’s love. Unreasonable, unstinting and positively devoted – only a mother could love her little thug.

I would like to request that heaven please send me more of that mother’s love.  I am in need of more of it.

On a side note, would you like to see something truly delightful?

I was watching an interview of Brian Kershisnik, which Millie watched with me until she said, “Mom, I REALLY NEED to PAINT!”

So she trotted off and made this self portrait.

It is making me feel very, very happy.

Does it have the same effect on you?

Also making me happy:

These flowers in a vase

and these flowers on my skirt (which I wore yesterday despite the freezing cold temperature)

And that is what was happening yesterday behind the scenes!

Tonight as I nursed my baby she fell asleep in my arms. (Yes, I am still nursing, feel free to judge me harshly – I don’t care!)

She is no longer my tiny baby – her body spills out of my lap and her legs dangle down the side of the arm chair, but she is all the baby I’ve got – gigantic or no.

As I held her warm body next to mine I wanted to stop time.

What is it that is so magic about a sleeping baby?

Only moments ago she was ALL ENERGY, MOVEMENT, EXPLORATION, and even CREATOR OF TOTAL CHAOS.

And then –

she is still and her body is heavy.

I pressed my forehead against hers and listened to her deep breathing.

I whispered secrets in her ear.

I kissed her

and then I kissed her some more.

I marveled at her – this petite person – with a HUGE spirit and a personality I am just getting to know.

Sweet dreams, you little rascal.

Why is this slaying me?

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Maybe it is just a mommy thing. But Clara picked up this red suitcase and carried it around with her after dinner.

And I tell you what, she got me!

(Those “bear”-bum PJ’s aren’t hurting the cause either!)

For some reason Clara carrying this around this sent me to that “cute-ness overload” place.

And quite honestly as a mom, you NEED your kids to send you there every once and a while. It is a good motivator to keep doing your job and not just drop kick them to some distant galaxy.

Yes, my sweet baby – you can carry on belonging to me. I will love you, feed you, change you, bathe you, pick you up when you are hanging on me, wipe your nose a million times a day, make sure you get good naps, play with you, keep your sister from totally man-handling you – and keep on giving to you even when I feel like giving up.

Now that the weather is starting to turn chilly – I pulled down the creaky ladder that leads to our attic, made my way passed all of our nick-knacks and paddy-whacks, back toward the bins that hold all of our warm stuff and pulled out some of our winter woolens.

Here we have Millie in her hat and gloves –

And here is Clara in Millie’s old coat and hat.

The hat is particularly special.

When it is worn high on the head it makes Clara look like the pope. But when it is pulled down tight over her little noggin she looks like a 1930’s American football player.

She doesn’t mind as long as she can chew on it.

Keep warm, my peeps!

[this is how Clara got those warm clothes on:]