A year late – but better late than never, so they say. Last year, I wrote this letter to Clara on her birthday and planned to create one of my fabulous slide shows for her…but it took me until a week after her second birthday to actually put the slide show together.

It’s cool because now there is just one more year of Clara to celebrate, no?

So, without further ado, that letter and that slide show await!

*****

My Green Eyed Girl,

Today you are one. You were born on your dad’s birthday but God sent you here with green eyes, like your mom’s.

You have given us a whole year of you. And you are wonderful (or should I say, “one-derful”? Hardy, har, har. It’s my blog so I can be as corny as I want).

After your beautiful older sister was born I faced one of the darkest times I have ever known. (May you and your sister never know such darkness.) Your sister was a delight, she was a ray of hope in my life that was all of a sudden, out of nowhere, shrouded in painful darkness. Right now you don’t notice, but one day you’ll wonder why there is a bit of a gap between you and your sis. It took me time to muster up the courage to get you here. Your sister came at such a heavy price, I was scared – yup, your mom was really and truly scared- that the same price might have to be paid for you.

If I could have held your soft body next to mine, heard your voice and seen those green eyes I would have been braver sooner.

But there was only the vague promise of your sweetness and an 80 percent chance of having to face that awful, awful darkness again.

I took me some time but eventually I took the chance.

You would be worth whatever was asked.

I stepped off into the abyss…

And on the other side of all my apprehension,

was

Y O U.

Unimaginably sweet little you.

And you are a treasure to me. How I love you. Oh, how I love you!

Your name means light.

I did everything in my power to avoid that darkness – and after all I did to keep it at bay – it came.

But only for a brief moment (darkness, prepare to meet ZOLOFT, ha, HA!) I was ready for it this time and after all I did to fight it, God was merciful. I know he tempered things. And for his mercy I will forever be grateful.

Not darkness, but light.

A little bundle of clarity wrapped in a hospital issue blanket.

My Clara Jane.

My green-eyed girl.

I love you.

Happy Birthday.

Love,

Mom

A year late – but better late than never, so they say. Last year, I wrote this letter to Clara on her birthday and planned to create one of my fabulous slide shows for her…but it took me until a week after her second birthday to actually put the slide show together.

It’s cool because now there is just one more year of Clara to celebrate, no?

So, without further ado, that letter and that slide show await!

*****

My Green Eyed Girl,

Today you are one. You were born on your dad’s birthday but God sent you here with green eyes, like your mom’s.

You have given us a whole year of you. And you are wonderful (or should I say, “one-derful”? Hardy, har, har. It’s my blog so I can be as corny as I want).

After your beautiful older sister was born I faced one of the darkest times I have ever known. (May you and your sister never know such darkness.) Your sister was a delight, she was a ray of hope in my life that was all of a sudden, out of nowhere, shrouded in painful darkness.  Right now you don’t notice, but one day you’ll wonder why there is a bit of a gap between you and your sis. It took me time to muster up the courage to get you here. Your sister came at such a heavy price, I was scared – yup, your mom was really and truly scared- that the same price might have to be paid for you.

If I could have held your soft body next to mine, heard your voice and seen those green eyes I would have been braver sooner.

But there was only the vague promise of your sweetness and an 80 percent chance of having to face that awful, awful darkness again.

I took me some time but eventually I took the chance.

You would be worth whatever was asked.

I stepped off into the abyss…

And on the other side of all my apprehension,

was

Y O U.

Unimaginably sweet little you.

And you are a treasure to me. How I love you. Oh, how I love you!

Your name means light.

I did everything in my power to avoid that darkness – and after all I did to keep it at bay – it came.

But only for a brief moment (darkness, prepare to meet ZOLOFT, ha, HA!) I was ready for it this time and after all I did to fight it, God was merciful. I know he tempered things. And for his mercy I will forever be grateful.

Not darkness, but light.

A little bundle of clarity wrapped in a hospital issue blanket.

My Clara Jane.

My green-eyed girl.

I love you.

Happy Birthday.

Love,

Mom

I gots me a brand-spanking-new,

NEPHEW!

Behold,

The little G-man

Cute, no?

As a regular reader you will know that

I am rich, rich, rich in nephews.

Feel free to congratulate me or the G-man’s parents.

(if you are in the congratulating mood)

I hope these little guys will be best buds!

Future BFFs, I can feel it – can you?

If they run into problems Summer can just introduce them to the “cousin council” I wouldn’t know anything about it because I was never invited, but I don’t carry the scars or anything…

j/k!

And this one is a winner, friends. It comes from one of my very favorite people.

The lovely and talented Margie! She is an inspired mother, a beautiful, cool, stylish chick and she also happens to be good to the CORE. I think she is my favorite Catholic in the whole universe (that is saying a lot since we know there are LOTS of Catholics out there and many, many of them are great people). All the same this particular Catholic has got me wrapped around her stylish finger. I love her right down to her socks.

I will let her locker do most of the “talking” but I would like to add my very own post script (only it is more of a pre-script actually). Margie comes from the delightful country of Scotland. When I asked her to make a locker she told me that in her native homeland lockers don’t exist. She always wanted one as she associated them with the USofA. Isn’t it funny the things that seem romantic and wonderful just because they are foreign? I remember a girl friend of mine from boarding school asking if when she came to visit me we could eat out  those white Chinese take out boxes because she had seen people do that in the movies (and they don’t have them in the UK). I just thought that was the cutest request!

Good action!

And speaking of good action — get a load of THIS:

(you are gonna want to click on this to see it BIG and BOLD as it was meant to be seen)

that my husband has a blog?

(Well, he has a few…but this one is “personal”)

Have you ever wondered about Jan Dawson and what goes on in that brain and heart of his? Much of it stays there – the goings-on – but every once and a while one gets a glimpse of his NEON, and I am here to tell you, it is wonderful.

Why not check out his personal blog?

I love it because I love him. But even if you don’t feel particularly close to him you can see what he thinks is nifty – like the fog over San Fran, or the guys turf dancing in the rain.

You might even leave him a little comment to let him know you’ve been there. It is his birthday today and if you felt like going the extra mile, beyond the obligatory facebook birthday greeting, you could, you know, send him a little birthday love.

Or you could just read a new and interesting blog.

Today we drove past Millie’s pre-school. It wasn’t an “inspired” educational experience, just a regular old pre-school, in my humble estimation – and while she attended the school she never seemed particularly attached to it.  Millie said, “There is my old school.” And 10 seconds later she was in tears.

I reached behind me to hold her hand.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She replied, “Yes. I miss my school. I miss my friends.”

She tried to console herself with this thought,

“I’m happy that the 3 year old class gets to be the four year old class now.”

Oh, Mills!

W H Y?

WHY, school?

Why? Why? Why?

Anyway, we are back to it. Both of us. Because although you go walk into that big, brick building by yourself. And even though you are literally locked inside and I can only get in if the lady at the front desk “buzzes” me in – my whole heart goes in there with you. And I am just trying my darnedest not to project my stupid issues onto you. And yet…

And yet I see many of them playing out.

It stinks to be a sensitive human being and have to go to ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. It just does!

But we are being positive and making the most of it.

And most days it really isn’t that bad, right?

Right?

Let us recall the happy times….

On Labor Day, at your request we made a “back to school cake”

There is more to this cake than meets the eye, just like you, dearest Mills.

Inside all of us, to some extent or another, is A NEON RAINBOW! The trouble with school is that much of the time all we get to see of people is the boring, brown frosting. That brown frosting is the PROTECTION we place around ourselves.  It takes guts to let people see that you have green, and purple, and blue pulsing in your veins.

As we (you, dad and me)  sat down to a slice of your “back to school cake” we talked over the goals for this year – some were regular and some were lofty. In the deepest part of me I just want you to shine – not be the best or better than others, just have the confidence to let the world know you have NEON going on, baby! Because I think that when we let our truest selves shine, we give permission to others to cast off the BROWN frosting and let their NEON out too!

The day I have been dreading for the past five years came.

It came.

And you did it, beautifully.

The first day of kindergarten.

You came home full of enthusiasm, and gusto and we sat down together to our new family tradition!

After School HIGH TEA!

I like to think of this as our “reconnection ritual”. The flowers were just a bonus because I was so stink’n proud of you.

Then as I tucked you into bed (an already established connection ritual) the tears came. They came hard and fast. You cried for 30 solid minutes. I stroked your hand and listened. You asked me, “Mom, can you say a prayer with me.” You cried through the words that I know went straight to heaven. Then you asked for a blessing. There was your dad – with all his steadiness and love – at your side. He blessed you with peace. Then as I lay down next to you, you came up with a plan:

“When I feel scared I will just tell the teacher and ask her if I can stand next to her until I feel better.”

And with that thought you were fast asleep.

In the morning I wondered how you would be and you were 100% ready to go to school.

As if you’d never even been afraid.

I’m not saying that I fully understand all of this.

I’m saying that I love you and am signed up for the ride…

…lets just hope that part of the ride takes place in a “hot, hot convertible!”

(forget about part – let’s go for broke – and hope that most of it is in the car of our dreams!)

Is what I am after.

What on earth do I mean?

I’ll give you an idea:

I’d love to see my sister Betta wearing the dress pictured below, while sipping the perfect autumn drink,* from this restaurant, which is a combination of hot cider and butter, sitting out on my deck chatting to me while the leaves fall around her.

Am I nuts or what?!

(*don’t know the name of this drink, but I am craving it – I think it must be what J K Rowling was going for when she invented “Butter beer” – AJ, you had it went we ate there, do you remember the name of it? When your taste-buds return lets go and get one, deal?)

Last night, this person called me. She said I had been on her mind for a few days. I really needed to talk to her. She listened, I cried, I listened, we laughed…this went on for about two hours.

I love her more than I can say.

Thanks for being so good to me, C!

Remember my post about lockers?

And remember how I said I wanted to have guest lockers?

(How could you forget?!)

Well, without futher ado, I bring you…

Sam’s Locker

(please click to see larger and in all it’s glory)

Want to hear what I did right? I asked the right girl (artist extraordinaire & cool down to her socks) at the right time (when her newly-wed prince charming was out of town on business).

Sam is my sister-in-law and in true Sam fashion she has surpassed the first locker, being mine. I want to find out how she did hers (love the tilting pictures!) and I want to be more like her.

Enjoy her lovely locker…hopefully more will follow!

Thanks again, Sam!