On May 31st you would have been one year old.

I will be far away from my computer so I have to let you know now that I will be thinking very much of your sweet mommy and daddy on your birthday. And I will be thinking of you; of our tiny baby boy who fought desperately for his strong spirit to have the chance to live inside a broken body, even if it was just for an hour.

Will, you are in a glorious place. I live here in a world that is fallen and has a funny way of measuring worth: beauty, wealth, accomplishment –they have their place I suppose. But a part of me knows better. The deepest and truest part of me knows there is OH, SO MUCH MORE! You are apart of that. Even though many people may not know about you and your valiant, even herculean, effort to live, and even if they may never acknowledge your noble life — I KNOW about it. And I know it was noble, and important and even great. I know you are great, Will. Maybe one of the greatest. And I know that your life matters – it matters deeply to those of us who love you…even people like me, who never even met you.

After you were born and after you died your mommy was so sad she couldn’t talk to me. Your dear Aunt Bellz spent hours talking to me about you. Don’t you love Bellz? Isn’t she wonderful!? She took such good care of your mommy in her saddest times. Oh, she is good!  She told me everything she could about you. She told me about your strawberry blond hair and your perfect button nose. You may not know this Will, but that detail broke my heart. You see, your mom is a nose lover – she really appreciates a beautiful nose. I’m serious! She really and truly does!

I spent a lot of time thinking about your mom after you died. She is one of my dearest and closest cousins and one of the kindest and best people I know. I love her very, very much. Sometimes I was (and still am an idiot) in the ways I tried to help her, but she is so good – she kept loving me as I stumbled along. Isn’t she the very best!? Your mom is one of my heroes. You are very, very blessed to have her and she is blessed to have you.

As I thought about how I could honor your life and honor the love your mother has for you – last year I decided that I would plant “Sweet William” in our garden. In fact, I made a pledge to plant it every year – as it blooms in the month of May, which is your birthday month. Also, your mom is a botanist and she knows and loves flowers! This flower, Sweet William was named after William the Conqueror. There is something fitting about this as I think of you as a conqueror. My sense is that you wanted to live – even if it was only for a matter of minutes. And you did it! Against all those odds. You and your mom and dad got you here and you did it.

Last year I went out in search of Sweet William in June and it was already gone. So this year I started my search in April, and I was too early. Today I went out again and learned that I was too late this year (after going to three nurseries). I was so sad when they told me I had yet again missed your flower! The lady at the nursery looked at me with kindness and asked,

“Is this for something special?”

I had to hold back the tears to tell her,

“Yes, it is.”

She responded,

“I could tell.”

Wasn’t that sweet of her? I felt that was a tender mercy.

I got the closest thing I could find to Sweet William – a flower from the Dianthus family.

Next year I promise that I will get it right.

Sweet William is like you- strong, beautiful, and even fleeting.

I love you, Will.

Please be near your mom on your birthday, if you can. Let her know how much she is loved – both in heaven and on earth.

(a photo of the nearest thing I could find to Sweet William – planted in our back garden)

I fully realize that this child is my blood relation and so this means that I may have a warped sense of reality re: how darling or not he happens to be

BUT

I ask you,

Is this not a beautiful baby?

This kid is killing me!

I had to post a photo worthy of his cuteness as the first one I posted was taken only moments after his birth with an iphone — and didn’t do him justice AND as cute as he looked in that cap and gown — you couldn’t REALLY see him…

….in all his baby splendor!

There.

I have said it.

The doting aunt has spoken (and shown) her peace.

Over and out.

In school Millie has been learning about

METAMORPHOSIS

and last week brought home a furry caterpillar in a little jar with instructions on how to watch and care for this little guy as he became a butterfly.

Millie was THRILLED!

“A pet mom! We have a real pet!”

(she has wanted a pet for a L O N G time)

As I read through the instructions I started to do some calculations – once the caterpillar became a chrysalis we had 10 days before it would become a butterfly – we are due to leave for England before the chrysalis would be opening… we might get lucky and it would open at the last minute… but I was  a bit nervous that she wasn’t going to see the final stage of metamorphosis.

A few days ago I was standing at the bathroom sink. Jan was talking to Millie and mentioned to her that we might be in England before the butterfly would emerge.

She began to weep.

As I listened to the exchange I had a very strong feeling that I should go, right then, and talk to Millie to see how she felt about trying an experiment.

Not of a biological nature but an experiment of faith.

“I believe that God has the power to get that butterfly to come out before we go away. He has all the power. He can move mountains so I know he do this to. What do you think, Mills?”

“Yes, I think so too.”

“Well, let’s start praying!”

So we did. Right then and there. We said a prayer. And we prayed every night for this miracle.

Millie watched the chrysalis VERY carefully.

“It’s turning brown! I think that means it will open soon.”

I didn’t see any changes in the chrysalis AT ALL.

One day we bumped the dresser where the box sat that contained the chrysalis and it jiggled it a bit.

“It’s moving! It’s moving! Maybe it will open right now!!”

You get the idea.

You know what is so crazy about faith – and trusting in God – it is always a leap. You have to walk out into the unknown. You have to trust – and let go. And when you are teaching your children about faith it feels like that much more is on the line.

This morning Millie came running up to me,

“It’s open! It’s open! I thought when I saw it it was a spider’s web but then I saw the wings! It is open!”

“Wow, if it is open then it has opened a full four days early!” I said to myself.

When we got to Millie’s room there is was!

OUR butterfly!

Our little miracle!

I said, “Millie, God heard your prayers! He did it! He gave us a miracle!”

We said a prayer again, in the very same spot where we’d said that first prayer,

and Millie said,

“Heavenly Father, thank you for my butterfly. Thank you that you have all the power and all the blessings and thank you for the blessing that you gave to me.”

Then she ran to tell her dad.

I don’t know what you are facing or what your heart is longing for – but just so you know where we stand – here in Dawesome territory –

We KNOW God is listening.

He WILL bless us – all of us!

He LOVES us.

Just ask Millie!

She’ll tell you ALL about it.

P.S. After all of this we ran outside (some of us didn’t have our pants on) to get our butterfly something to eat.

We spent a minute finding the best flower in our garden upon which our little friend could chow down.

While Clara smelled the weeds…

Life is good!

My brother-in-law, Allan just graduated from Law School.

At Northwestern they have a tradition where your kids can “walk” with you and they will even read off their names too.

When Sum and Allan heard about this they started thinking….and planning….

And what a plan was hatched!

Check it out, suckaz!

My sister Summer managed to get a cap and gown for all the kids (INCLUDING HER ONE MONTH OLD BABY!!) She figured out how to make the cap from some on-line tutorial.

Did I mention that my sister had a baby one month ago — seriously, let the comments roll, people – this woman needs to hear the following type remarks (she doesn’t have a blog where she can post her fine handy work so feel free to gush right here and right now):

“You have four children and your husband is in law school?! You are my hero!”

“You are a total babe! I can’t believe you just had a baby!”

“Say, what?! You MADE the cap and gown for your newborn! Move over Martha Stewart!”

Also feel free to congratulate my brother-in-law for graduating from law school while being the father of four children etc.

HOLY COW! I just looked at the picture again and I can’t decide who is the cutest: that yawning/screaming baby? My niece Khali with her darling pose? Lincoln with his “cool hand Luke” expression? Atticus’ cap looks totally RAD! My sister and her beautiful hair and then the graduate himself, he looks pretty awesome and pretty proud!

It makes sense that everyone should walk – after all they did this huge thing together as a family.

So, CONGRATS to the whole Pixton clan!

Five years ago today my life changed forever

After many long hours of painful struggle, your tiny pink body was handed to me, and you were all MINE! At least I told myself that and I think I even believed it, but as each day passes I am a less sure.

Today you are five years old.

Five.

Sometimes I look at you and feel breathless because you are so grown up and I am not sure what to do!

As we snuggled in bed together tonight I read to you from my patriarchal blessing of the promise that God gave me that if I lived right, in his appointed time you would come to me and that my happiness would be complete.

As I held your five year old body in my arms and watched you fall asleep I thought of my tiny baby girl. I remembered your pinched little face looking up at me.

It was all there – all that spunk and intelligence, good humor, drama, and fun — was packed into that 7 lb body — but I didn’t know you yet. I loved you just as you were but how could I have imagined the joy that you would bring me in time. It was unfathomable and quite frankly, it still is! That there is more of you to know, that we will share more adventures and trials and sorrow and joy.

And today you are five!

As I thought of all this tears came.

As I consider all that you have given to me in the last five years my heart can’t find the words to tell you just how much you mean to me.

Today was a good day…to coin your phrase, we “enjoyed the pink”!

It started with breakfast in bed

as per tradition the breakfast was pink, pink, pink

presents

a birthday surprise

& an adventure

Which lead to

“Black Sky”

your dreams of “pet ownership” fully realized!

more pink (this time frosting)

atop the princess cupcakes for school

and one more cupcake before bed

Happy Birthday, my sweet.

I love you more than I can say!

*

*

P.S. A special thanks to our favorite gentleman callers who stopped by to make the birthday girl feel really loved & gave her gifts even though there was no party. You know who you are and I hope you know that we LOVE you.

The other morning I went online to try and find a ballet to take Millie to for her birthday. While searching I stumbled across one of the sweetest things I have seen in a long time.

watch this you wont be disappointed

(I’m a foolish girl, but I want to believe these two are REALLY in love! Maybe they are!!!)

I wish I’d known about this so that I could have gone to it. Could these two dancers be any more darling?

I found this image from the ballet. Man, I really wish I’d seen this!

Millie came and sat on my lap while I was watching it. She wanted to know what the story was all about. So, I started to tell her the story of Romeo and Juliet…and ended up in a flood of tears. I wish I could blame my ever so deep artist sensitivities, but I think the true culprit is most likely my lack of sleep. Millie was much more sensible. As I told her about the death scene she said,

“Well, that is silly!”

Hot diggity dog, Mills – I love ya! And I think that is exactly what Shakespeare wanted to convey, only maybe a bit more tragic and crushing? But who knows, perhaps one day we can ask him.

Then later that night Millie reminded me that I had promised her the next time her daddy went out of town she could sleep with me on daddy’s side of the bed. I try to keep my promises to her, even if they are RIDICULOUS to make in the first place, and a good snuggle with your old mom is, lets be honest, the best thing in the universe!

I was half way through the film Bright Star – (I had to call my friend Jen Thomas to ask her to explain to me what the heck was going on and she did so, beautifully) so we finished the day watching yet another pair of star crossed lovers…

Squeezing back tears I explained to Millie what was going on.

“He is dying and has to go away and they will never see each other again.”

WHAAAAAAAAAAA!

That movie is a little weird yo, but come on – that premise deserves some tears.

On our menu is

salty wetness

for breakfast

&

dinner.

Have you cried like that too…so much that you can taste your tears?

It is kind of

wonderful!

a beautiful, sodium packed

RELEASE

(for the sleep deprived mommy)

Brought to you by your local

star crossed lovers!

Betta,

Check out what I scored for you at ANTHRO on Monday.

A little Audrey number

{Size 2}

satin collar

quilted velvet

For a whopping $8.95!!!!!

I realize that it is not super practical – being sleeveless and all, but with the right jacket or cardi, you’ll be set!

I was thinking you could wear it with lots of pearls

to an awards ceremony

or on a hot date

or around the house just for fun

*

*

*

What do you think?

And while I have your attention, what do you think of this skirt. I bought it for me and it wasn’t $8.95…

I can’t decide it it is the most awesome skirt ever or if it just looks like a glorified dish towel.

Anthro walks that line, you know

between exquisiteness and dish-towel-ness.

Hmmmm.

Speak now or forever hold your peace!